Freedom to Fly

So I hate to admit it but I have a little (or a lot depending on who you ask) problem of wanting to control things. I like predictability, routine, structure. Being a parent to two boys can make that a challenge, because boys are anything but predictable! I hate to say that often I get in their way of being kids. Take for example the other day as we sat to eat dinner the boys noticed a blue jay out our dining room window. 

 

We don't see a ton of blue jays in Anchorage. It was a wonderful reminder that spring was surely here. Spring:-what Alaskans long for as we wait for the last bit of seven months of snow to give us a brief reprieve. Well eating dinner was no longer a priorit, there was a bird to play with! "B" was especially adamant that he needed to go get that bird. Mind you he had not eaten anything and was half naked, but this was a matter of emergency. "A" was also brimming with excitement but was stifling it so he could appear to be the older, more mature child. The whole time I of course am being sensible, smart, structured....CONTROLLING. 

"You need to eat your dinner."- "You don't have clothes on."- "You will get cold."- "It is dirty."- "It is too late to go out and play."-"Leave the bird alone."- "It's not like you are going to catch it." blah blah blah...

Luckily, this is ONE time as a mom where I caught myself. I reflected on how it felt to chase birds when I was a child. I remember the joy and exhilaration knowing I couldn't catch them, but trying none-the-less. I wanted to fly just like them. As a child I certainly had the energy and audacity to fly, if God had just given me wings. Why was I stifling that experience for my boys? I realize how much I was clipping their wings as I held them back from these moments of wonder and exploration. Would the 5 minutes away from dinner running around in the cold yard do any damage in the long run? No, but not allowing them the "freedom to fly"  definitely would.

Spring is a time of renewal and rejuvenation. Just what we as a family need from time-to-time.

To remind myself of this moment and to try to be more conscious of letting my boys be kids I had them make some bird treats. Invite  the birds to come and next time my kids will be ready to play with them.

Perfect activity as we celebrate Earth Day. 

Take toilet paper tubes and spread with peanut butter. Make sure to punch holes first!

Roll in bird seed or cracked corn. I found a small bag for about $2.50 at Fred Meyers in the pet area.

We also found old bird houses we had painted about a year ago and hung those as well. They were found at Michaels in the $1 bin. I didn't treat it for the weather, which in hindsight I probably should have. 

So we are ready for the birds and I have  reminder out my dining room window that I want children that desire to fly, not be tethered down by the trappings of this life. 

Calm Down Basket

Making calm down baskets have been on my bucket list for years. Nothing like having a homestudy being done at your home, where your parenting techniques will be under a microscope, to light a fire under me. Part of the reason I held off for so long is because I thought it would cost a lot to get everything together or too difficult to make a calm down jar (something that I felt just HAD to go with it). Yeah, I was so wrong on both counts.

If you don't know what a calm down basket is let me enlighten you. It is a basket of items your child can use tools to help self soothe and/or self-regulate their feelings. Calm down baskets are NOT to be used as punishments. I actually have them in a different area of my house than our time-out (or in) chairs. I personally made a basket for each of my boys because some times I need them to calm down at the same time, say when sibling emotions are running high. Also with the four year age difference I needed to think about gearing certain items to appropriate age/maturity (mainly books). I ask the boys to go calm down when they are starting to get irritable and either a meltdown or fight will break out, overly-hyper and I can tell an accident will occur or any times they are being over-emotional. The trick to the success is finding times to implement it BEFORE a choice has been made that would result in a punishment. They go shake the glitter calm down jar (acts as a timer and object lesson) and then they work in the baskets until THEY feel calm. It is meant to be self-regulated where they can learn when they need to calm down and also when they can come out. Self regulation is a life skill for all kids, but for SPD (sensory processing disorder) children it is especially important. Of course, as a mom we need to teach them how to do this. You may need to give a few reminders. Don't forget to model!!! When they are in calm down I try to do something calming too: read a Psalms, drink some tea, take deep breaths, journal, and sometimes I even color.

Here is what I included in our calm down basket. Keep in mind almost ALL items I had around the house or got for a couple dollars at Target. I so wish we had a Dollar Tree up here in Anchorage. I would check there first. The goal is to find items that are calming, deal with kiddo emotions, and think about letting the children use all of their senses (great for all kiddos and especially ones with SPD).

Sensory Items: teething/oral tools, massager, pinwheel, bubbles (that don't spill), Walbarger Brushing Tool (only for kiddo with SPD), velcro, I Can Calm Myself ABC Cards from Training Happy Hearts, and some natural components (smooth rocks to rub or shells to listen to).

Lacing Cards, squishy toys that have different textures, weight, and lights, stress balls, and small stuffed animals for comfort. The elephant is a baby toy but we like it because it makes a crinkly sound and B can chew on the feet.

Picture books on emotions, manners, and behaviors, a picture book of the boys doing positive things, a prayer book, children's bible, and a compilation book of poetry for children.

Each basket has an accordion file. In it is some laminated mazes, search and finds, and code breakers for A, For A I also add special paper airplane folding paper and mandalas to color (which is used in Tibetan culture for gaining wisdom, compassion, and healing through positive energy).  I also added a white erase marker and some crayons in the file.

A stretching printout (image from Bambinis) and Angry Bird Cool Down Strategies from The Home Teacher( (this unit she created is  EXCELLENT)

Of course it would not be complete without the much loved glitter calm down jars.These are so easy to make. Get glitter glue (think Elmer's glue size) and put about half of it in a mason jar. Then add HOT water (almost boiling). Stir until all the glue dissolves (takes a couple minutes). Next hot glue the lid on. Wait to cool and then you are done! Some use these as a timer to get out of the calm down area, but my jars take about 20 minutes to settle. The object lesson  is just like we feel all jumbled when we are out of control (have kiddo shake the jar-which reliefs stress and show the glitter whirl about) we can calm down and feel relaxed when we take time to quiet our body (set jar down and watch glitter settle on bottom). 

What do you or would you add to your calm down basket? I am planning on a small crank music box and making a lavender rice pillow to add in more smell and audio. Love to hear other ideas.

I'm Back!!!

I can't believe I haven't been blogging in over a year and a half. YIKES! I have to learn how to do things all over again. Back in 2012, I started really examining my motives for blogging, and started to slowing stop. Taking a year off, I realized that blogging actually helps me be a better mommy. It held me accountable to actually PLAY with my children. Busyness of life crept in, and with that the time my boys spent in front of electronics increased. Confession.....I became a lazy mom. In all fairness, living in Alaska, the long winters are tempting times to bunker down and hibernate.

We are in the process of adopting from foster care. Something I will share about more when I am able.Something we talk about a lot in training is attachment disorders. The amount of time kiddos are in front of television, movies, and electronic devices can exasperate an attachment disorder because they don't have to bond, attach or socially respond to other people. Even for children who aren't at-risk too much time with inanimate devices can diminish their social skills. The great thing about the adoption process and all the training and poking into your life is you get an idea of the type of mom you want to be. It is a reboot to your family. One we are in desperate need of.  

So it is back to more actively, engaged time playing with my children. It is time to get silly, dirty, creative, exploratory, and active. I'm ready for more healthy and happy children who are connected with their family and the security, delight, and wonder that  attachment brings. 

How Many More Bites?

So I don't know about you but I hear, "How many more bites?" (enter whine here) almost every dinner time. There are so many thoughts on the whole dinner rules and forcing kids to eat that it can be mind boggling! So initially, I always told myself that I would not make my children clean their plate, but they need to try a bite of everything-every time. An example would be that if peas were served at dinner he would have to try a bite, and then if it is served again two days later, another bite (even if he KNOWS he hates them). This way they have exposure to vegetables and new food, and the goal is that HOPEFULLY after the 20th try they will magically love them. Now to be fair I have seen it work that way! Well, this  wonderful plan was not working. I started to realize that my son's ENTIRE diet was made up or carbohydrates. For my family and my medical issues this is very worrisome. To ensure he got more protein and veggies we initiated the bite thing. However, we gear up  tears, whining, and arguing every meal. Not that I mind the fighting but I stumbled upon a way that makes us all happy and makes family dinners more peaceful.

Here we were with the same, "Wah, Not four more bites" when I suggested we play a game of chance instead. He could roll a die. Whatever number he rolled he had to have that many bites. He may only get a two and I told him I would accept it, but if he rolled a six he had to accept that number too. He was so excited he could hardly contain himself. Guess what he rolled?- A five....and he happily ate every bite. Since then he doesn't even ask the bite question. We keep the dice by the dinner table and when it is toward the end of the meal he announces, "I'm gonna roll the dice, Okay?" He loves that not only is it a game, but he gets to be in control. Some times it works in his favor, but often it doesn't. When he rolls a six, "Ah, Man!" (but instead of enter whine here it is enter laugh here).

Ahh, the dreaded turkey burger patty- 5 more bites Buddy! Ignore the super not healthy dinner ;0)

Yakkity Yak

"Take out the papers and the trash
Or you don't get no spendin' cash
If you don't scrub that kitchen floor
You ain't gonna rock and roll no more
Yakety yak (don't talk back)"

~The Coasters

We love this song in our house-along with the rest of the Stand By Me Soundtrack. Many times "A" will be caught singing the above lyrics. Now that Daddy is gone I know that not only I was going to need more help around the house, but with "A" going to school he may need some spending cash. I put together a chore chart in Excel. The first couple of items are chores he must do simply for living in our house and being a part of the family (pick up toys before bed, brush teeth, fold and put away his own clothes). The second half of the chart has different jobs with money attached to them. The most expensive chores are vacuuming for 75 cents and there are various chores worth less (folding towels-50 cents, feed the dogs-10 cents, get the mail-5 cents, etc). Payday is every Friday after school. It works like this: He doesn't have to do chores worth $ but he must do the chores that are part of being a member of our household. If he does not do those chores he is docked 5 cents each time. At the end we tally it all up. An added bonus is for every large gem he earns and keeps all week he gets an additional 50 cents. You can read more about our behavioral gem system here. Basically big gems are earned for doing items above and beyond. Little gems are earned for being good, being a good listener, etc. Big gems are for doing chores he doesn't have to do without being asked, sharing with brother for no reason, etc.

This weeks chart

The house in amount paid column are ones he must do-as you can see he got 5 cents docked for leaving dishes out.

The bottom half is the chores worth $. It is all visual because he can't read yet.

This is the second week in and it has been a huge hit. The first week he earned $2.20 and then this week he earned $3.60. He is constantly looking to see what chores he needs to do to get $ and gets excited to see the tally marks add up. Now of course my 5 year old does not get $5.80 to spend like crazy! We divide the allowance up three ways. The first is he must put 10% towards a charitable cause. We did research of different things he could do: make care bags for homeless people, soccer balls for third world kiddos through UNICEF, books for kiddos from World Vision, and then we hit the idea that got him super excited. He has decided to save up for a flock of chicks through Heifer International. The chickens will got to a family in a third world country. The eggs provide nourishment and the remaining eggs can be sold at market to provide income. He loved the idea of the chickens so he is saving up for the $20 price tag. Another 40% goes into savings at the bank (I will deposit it every time it reaches $5). Then the remaining 50% is fun money to spend how he wants. He has bought candy (YIKES) and toys. Next week he wants to save for a book fair at school that is coming up. Overall, I am happy with how it has all turned out, and honestly it makes taking care of the house by myself SO much easier.

The chicks "A" is saving up for a family in a 3rd world country

An idea I hope to implement for the three ways to divide allowance from Pinterest.

My current way of organizing the $- a pacifier container (ghetto, I know)

Feelings Unit

I have come to realization that "A" has not been dealing with emotions very well. He tends to only want to do what makes him happy or act out in anger. I have desperately tried to protect him from feeling sadness or fear, and in turn led him to miss out on being able to come out from the other side of it. Feeling the negative feelings helps us grow and become stronger. In a way to rectify my parenting mistake we are taking a hard look at feelings.

You can pick up this poster at Learning Palace for $1.50 or so

It is common for people to make word-a-day vocabulary cards. I decided to make emotion vocabulary cards. I started with 12 different feeling cards with the definition, a picture that corresponds to the emotion, the word used in a sentence, and then ways to deal or cope with that feeling.You can download my first round of vocabulary cards here. Just like traditional word-a-day cards we are picking one feeling a day to look at and get a better understanding of.

The vocab card we chose today

I try to include three or four coping mechanisms for each feeling. There are strategies for even happy emotions. Coping ideas range from hugging a stuffed animal, positive self-talk, talking with parents, exercise, etc. One thing we learned that help children with calming down in taking a volcano breath. I have made a video of "A" demonstrating what that looks like and we use it frequently.

 Over 1+1+1=1 there is a feelings lapbook for tots. It is very cute for younger children. There was one thing in the unit that I felt would be a great exercise to do with "A". There is two headless children (a girl and boy) and a bunch of happy faces (although they aren't all happy but a range of emotions). Included is a list of guiding questions like, "Her Mommy just told her she needed to go to time-out, how is she feeling?" Then the child looks through the facial expressions and picks the appropriate head. This is great for reading emotions of others and how to respond. "A" appropriately commented that you can have more than one feeling and so some of his people had multiple heads. I really love this and am working on new questions to ask.

 While you are discussing how facial features show emotion why don't you have your child act out different emotions. This allows them to face negative emotions in a safe environment and also let's them feel how the body changes depending on the mood.

Sadness

Anger

Scared

Excited

Sometimes what we feel is more abstract. Have your child color what the feelings would look like just using colors and symbols. Ask them what color would sadness be? See what they come up with.

Goodbyes

This weekend has been a hard one around here. On Thursday, my husband packed up our SUV and headed for Alaska. He starts his new job on Tuesday. I had high hopes of a calm goodbye with tons of quality family time before hand-which didn't present itself. "A", in a way to cope, acted very nonchalant to his Dad when he left and in turn left my husband emotional and despondent as well. I had wanted to take pictures of the packed car and the goodbyes but it didn't seem right...to personal.

The last few days have been trying to clean the house (which was in shambles as my hubby rifled through trying to find what he needed and also what would fit in the car). Now that the house is in order I am trying to put the family in order too. I am trying to establish routines and chore charts (more on that in another post). Anything to get us through the next seven months when we can be a family again. I am trying to figure out how the whole being a single parent thing will work with one baby and another behavioral child in his first year of school.

"A" has mentioned a couple of times that he needs his Daddy and wants to wrestle and hug him. He asked me how long until he sees him again-which is 7 weeks when my husband comes home for "B's" 1st bday. I think "A" thought that was 7 days. When I told him it was 49 he got distraught. So we decided to make happy and colorful chain to count down the days. "A" loves it and how it looks hanging up. He will love it even more as the chain starts to dwindle!

Counting how many days left

One source of comfort to me right now is my dog Mulder. My oldest dog was a Valentines Day present in 2005. He was my first baby (which I never understood how people would act like that to pets until him). Mulder has always had a special bond with me. When I was pregnant with "A" in 2006 once again my husband got a job up in Alaska but this time worked two weeks away and than had two weeks home. I remember feeling alone and scared at that first time pregnancy and then first time mom. Mulder always laid beside me and comforted me. He came and found me whenever I cried. I can attest to dogs raising endorphins and lifting spirits. The funny thing when "A" came Mulder changed. He still would come when I was super sad but for the most part kept his distance. He would try to find alone times to get a little love but things weren't the same. He tolerated "A" but barely. You could tell he there was no love felt for the new baby-Mulder was jealous! The oddest thing has occurred this week though. Mulder has been finding "A" to offer love-very similar to what he gave to me when I was alone and needed comfort long ago. Perhaps Mulder knows "A" needs the extra friend right now. It really just makes me love that dog so much more!

Gem Jar is Full

Awhile ago I posted about how I was going to try the positive discipline by filling a glass jar with decorative rocks whenever I caught "A" being good. A little over a month later he has filled the jar. I am so proud. The experience has been really great in our household. It is challenging me to find positive moments with my child and it is a great incentive for him. It hasn't been perfect. "A" still constantly points out what he did and then ask for a gem for it (a no-no). Some days he may only earn one gem and then on other days he may earn eight. Just this week we discussed a 0-3 gem day wasn't a great day, 3-6 gems was an okay day, 6-8 gems was a great day.

Isn't it pretty!

I had originally not wanted to take any gems away for negative behavior, but sadly that didn't happen. I would still like that to be the goal. However, sometimes I am left with no other option. We have been discussing the levels of punishment a lot this week too. My first choice for punishment will always be time-outs and taking things away (a fun outing, TV time, a toy, etc). True Story: Once I even boxed up every toy in his room in different boxes and bins. He had to be good for two whole days and then he could get a bin back. He couldn't decide what toys went in the bin so he had to look at the bin and choose wisely. When it comes to time-out there has to be a level of obeying though (if you really think about it). The child has to go to time-out and stay there. When you have a truly defiant child that won't always happen. I have literally spent all day taking "A" to time-out and then he comes out and I pick him up and take him back! Some weeks he will do time-outs and I think he has gotten over the fighting me on the whole thing but then NOPE back to same old thing. So what we have discussed is time-outs will always happen first, if he is defiant and comes out of time-out early a gem is taken away. The point is that no gems would be taken away if he just went to time-out.

"A" putting gems in his jar

Surprisingly, even with some bad days and gems being removed he filled it in one month. When he reached half way he chose ($5 limit) to go to Menchies-our favorite frozen yogurt place. He was so excited at the half way point he told everyone-even his toys. He also drew a very adorable picture of himself putting gems in the jar. At the full point he got to go to KidsClub ($10 limit). A really fun child play place in my town. It couldn't have happened any better of a time since school starts soon. So now we are starting over. Hopefully, this month goes as well on the system.

"A's" Reward- Kid's Club Fun & Fitness

Teaching Compassion for Handicap

I was very blessed to grow up in a home that taught all people are equal and unique. That is something that I insist get passed on to my sons as well. It is interesting when I have to answer questions like "where is that girl's mommy" when he met a girl who was adopted by two loving gay husbands. Or it's purely comical that I need to explain that all boys that have dark skin aren't the same boy. "A" and I talk greatly about how all people are different, but we are all the same and we need to love everyone. When it comes to race, sex, religion, sexual orientation, etc I know how to proceed, but when it comes to handicap people (especially children) I am at a loss. Growing up I was never surrounded with mentally or physically handicap people, except for perhaps deaf people. In have always been amazed at people who work with handicap children, and think there is a special place in heaven for them. I have also always known that I was ill-equipped to know how to care for them. I love them, but am confused and awkward on how to proceed past that.

Isn't she precious! This is my niece during Memorial Day weekend!

Well, in this last year I have been put in a place to learn how to better cope with handicap children. My brother-in-law and his wife (two amazing people) had a beautiful baby girl in March. She was born with Spina Bifida and Hydrocephalus. We knew the prognosis before the birth so we could all prepare (as much as possible). After tons of research I was able to discuss what this would be like to "A". It is always hard to discuss babies and children being sick. It is especially confusing because we have a recent baby of our own. I am still learning to handle questions like,  "Will brother or I get sick?" or "How do babies die?" 

"A" seeing her when she was a week old. Day after shunt was put in.

 Her Mommy howing "A" where it is safe to touch her

Isn't he sweet. One of those loves are one he picked out for her as a gift.

I fell in love with her the moment we snuggled!

This amazing little girl is such a fighter! In the first week alone she had surgeries to repair her spine, shunt put in the brain, and more. At 6 months old she is dealing with having to have a life-long catheter and repairing her club feet. This Friday she had to have her Achilles Heel clipped to help with the stretching of her feet. We are hoping she will be able to walk with the use of braces one day, but it is too early to tell. 

"A" gently feeding her! He sure loves her!!!

Happy Baby Girl

If I could just get "B" to be gentle with her too!

 I am trying to have time for "A" to be around her (they live 3 hours away) and also how to treat this little angel. When he saw her the week she was born he immediately wanted to go up and pet her spine wound (which we quickly found out was a "No, No!"). I think if he could have reached he would have tried to kiss the boo-boo! He is learning quickly to be gentle, wash hands before touching, not cough around her, etc. His favorite thing is feeding her a bottle and whispering he loves her. Since we couldn't be with her this week after the heel clipping "A" wanted to make her a get well card. I am learning right along with "A" and it has been a very rewarding experience for all of us! If you want to know more about our sweet niece the family has set up a website or if you need to know more about Spina Bifida go here.

This is her with Mom and Dad after 1st casting of legs

  Card "A" made for her heel clipping surgery. The inside is a hospital and a pick of her Mommy and Daddy holding her. Even though I did the writing he told me what to say!

Daddy Love!

 

 

Check out this amazing video of her: